Hello! I haven't written here in awhile.. life has been so incredible and I feel tremendously blessed. School's out (I've graduated! Hooray!!) and I have been given the luxury of much free time. While I may sometimes complain of boredom, I'm really grateful for the opportunity to spend time with people I love, doing everything and nothing at all, and just enjoying each others' companies :) These are precious moments to me. 

The weekend that has just passed was a really heartwarming one. We threw a surprise 21st birthday party for our favourite drummer Johannes, and it was a rare opportunity for me to get to know some of the older folks in the worship team. I've grown to learn that despite the age gap, they're such a fun bunch! What really touched me was the warmth and love that his siblings and parents showered on the birthday boy, as they really went out of the way to make the night such a special one for him. But the clincher was Joh's impromptu thank you speech, thanking his best friend of 21 years - his dad. My heart must have melted then :) 

The following day was Mother's Day, and I was given the very special privilege of paying a tribute to moms at the English Adult services. I had less than 2 days to prepare for the tribute, but luckily I was able to put my SMU presentation training to good use :p It was a really emotional journey right from the start of writing the script to finally delivering the speech. It made me realize the extent of my mum's love and all the sacrifices she's done for us. I felt really emotional during the tribute, and there were a few occasions where I had to fight to suppress the lump in my throat and the cracking of my voice. It was my hope to be able to make the mums feel really appreciated and valued by conveying the heart of the children, and I'm just so glad that many were blessed that day :) 

This weekend was all about relationships. One thing I've learnt - always value relationships, as they are the most precious things anyone can ever have. 

Dating is like gambling. At the start, there is hope. Hope that it could turn out to be something good. You invest your heart, time, energy into it.. you make yourself vulnerable and let the person in.. you put yourself out there to love and be loved, but at the same time you subject yourself to disappointment. Maybe things aren't what you had hoped for them to be. Maybe it was a wrong bet after all. So then, in economic terms, do you pull out of it to "cut your losses".. or do you stay and hope for a breakthrough? 

She writes in cryptic codes
Cos she's afraid to show 
What's really going on inside 

Who are we fooling?

Just felt really pressed upon my heart.. a sensing of what's going on in God's heart. As I was listening to How He Loves, it struck me how truly intense and furious and deep God's love is for us. And He loves us to the point that it hurts Him..? Wow..

I asked myself if I have ever loved anyone so deeply to the point my heart broke for this person... and as of now the person that came closest to this is my little brother, and how it pained me so to see him sedated on the hospital bed after he went through an operation to fix his broken arm a couple of years ago..

His heart breaks each time He sees us struggling with our own battles, chained by our sins and addictions, when we're deceived by the lies of the devil who fools us into believing that there is no hope, no love, no joy.. It pains him each time we hurt ourselves and make foolish mistakes, each time we forget that He is ever so near, ever so ready to receive us, to wash us in His love and healing.

He is jealous for us.. His love is like a hurricane. I'm so amazed and so blown away by God's love tonight. 

x

Midnight thoughts. It just dawned upon me that I am standing at an incredibly huge crossroad in my life. I feel like I have reached a defining moment in my life - in my hands are choices I have to make, and these decisions are going to drastically shape the remainder of my youth and possibly the rest of my life. Career. Relationships. Ministry opportunities. 

Suddenly, I feel very much like a kid trapped in an adult's body. When I was younger, I would look up to all the twenty-somethings and label them MAN and WOMAN. Now that I'm twenty-three, I really don't see myself as a WOMAN, if y'know what I mean.. I feel like I'm still daddy's girl, still so childish, immature and playful at times.

The weight of these choices seem so heavy; the uncertainty, crazy. Yet, it's also a whole new level of exciting.. I can't see what's mapped out for me ahead, but God will give me enough light on my path to choose the next step. After all, a man plans his course but it's the Lord who establishes his steps... 

Deep in my heart, I know that things are going to be okay eventually. And maybe it's even okay to make mistakes choosing the wrong path (though that wouldn't be most ideal..) Just gotta keep trusting that God is in control, and that He provides every need of mine even before I open my mouth to ask. He knows everything.. no part of me can be hidden from Him. And I know He's got my back. Everything's gonna be okay :)

In the autumn on the ground
Between the traffic and the ordinary sounds
I am thinking signs and seasons
While a northwind blows through

I watch as lovers pass me by
Walking stories - whos and hows and whys
Musing lazily on love... pondering you 

I'll give it time, give it space
Be still for a spell
When it's time to walk that way
We wanna walk it well

I'll be waiting for you baby
I'll be holding back the darkest night
Love is waiting to be ready
Till it's right
Love is waiting

It's my caution not the cold 
There's no other hand that I would rather hold
The climate changes, I'm singing for strangers..
About you 

Don't keep time, slow the pace
Honey hold on if you can
The bets are getting surer now
That you're my man

I could write a million songs about the way you say my name
I could live a lifetime with you and then do it all again
And like I can't force the sun to rise
Nor hasten summer's start
Neither should I rush my way into your heart

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I'm such a hopeless romantic sometimes. I would sing, I would write, I would dream, daydream, imagine - about love, about heartstrings, about finding the person who's a one in a million. And maybe - just maybe - this person has arrived. But I'll be waiting, I'll be holding back, till we're ready, till it's right. :)

Car is parked, bags are packed
But what kind of heart doesn't look back
At the comfortable glow from the porch
The one I will still call yours

All those words came undone
And now I'm not the only one
Facing the ghost that decide 
If the fire inside still burns...

Sigh.

After 4 years in SMU, I've finally encountered the mother of all school weeks. THIS WEEK is really..... character building week I say.

What's due over the next two days: 
- 1 Midterm. (Just done, twas bad.) 
- 1 Project
- 1 Finals
- 1 Quiz
- 1 Case Submission 

Time to turn on superwoman mode. 

Sincerity, or the lack of. 
'Tis wholly puzzling to me. 

Just stumbled upon some of my really old journal entries.. I wrote this poem in 2005 (when I was sixteen)!

When the body speaks of words her heart cannot say
When the stars shine upon her cherished hopes that fade
The lady takes the veil from her porcelain face
Beckoning the innocent to come out to play

The sinister romantics argue of ways 
Into the heart sealed safely with closed doors
Perhaps it is spring's fresh-scented yellow daisies
Or resplendent stars carefully plucked from the red skies?

Though they never knew the key was always in their hands
Just a simple smile, a golden greeting, or an honest hug
Would cleanse the cold mist from the windows to her soul
When in time, we will realise: 

Come full circle, it was just you and me. 


Then again, I also wrote stupid stuff like, "C is for cookie, that's good enough for me. Hey you know what! A moon sometimes look like a C, but you can't eat that!"

...........

What. was. I. thinking.